Be Happily Married- Even If Your Partner Won't Do a Thing by Abby Medcalf

Author:Abby Medcalf [Medcalf, Abby]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 0553392069
Publisher: Abby Medcalf
Published: 2018-12-20T05:00:00+00:00

Real-Life Example

Ben came to me because he was having trouble communicating and connecting to his wife, Mina. One of the biggest frustrations for Ben was Mina’s “constant complaining” about her family.

“The other day she’s telling me about a problem she’s having with her sister,” Ben began. “She got off the phone super upset that her sister isn’t helping more with their mom, who’s aging and living on her own. This sister expects Mina to do everything. Mina was going on and on about how her sister just dumps everything in her lap. I think Mina feels overwhelmed and guilty since we’re so busy with our own family and it’s super hard to find time for her mom. When I try to help, she jumps down my throat. I’m just trying to help! Why is she mad at me?!”

“Can I ask what you suggested to Mina?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve told her to try not speaking to her sister anymore or just not doing anything with their mom, which will force the sister to take some action.”

“And how is your tone when you’re offering these suggestions?” I asked.

Ben thought a bit and then replied, “Well, if I’m honest I guess I’m annoyed. She's been complaining and acting like a victim forever. I kind of want her to do something or just shut up about it at this point.”

I told Ben that first, I didn’t think his suggestions were really doable for Mina, which likely made her more frustrated and left her feeling misunderstood and not supported or “heard.” I proceeded to teach Ben everything you just learned in this chapter. At the end of my little teach, I told him he needed to really start listening when Mina shared and match her emotion, but not tone. I told him to empathize (Say Yes First) and to focus on being patient in these conversations and not getting into “fix it” mode.

I didn’t see Ben again for a little over a month due to some scheduling issues, but when he came back to the office, things had clearly shifted.

“I need to tell you, Abby, I thought this would never work,” Ben began. “I felt like, as soon as I started giving in to Mina’s complaints—that’s how I saw this Say Yes First thing—that she’d go on and on and it would never end! But I gave it a try and, you know what? The opposite happened! It was like magic! I just really listened and tried to think about how I’d feel in this situation. I knew I’d mostly feel frustrated and maybe a little hopeless since nothing seemed to change. So, I said that to her. It was like a light went on in her head because she really looked at me differently. Next thing I know, we’re totally talking about the issues with her sister and she asked me for some ideas—other than what I’ve mentioned before—to help her really problem-solve this and we came up with some great solutions that she can work with.

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